fantasy

“It will never be realized.” she said to herself, trying to end her fantasy over him. He is 20 years older, married, and has a daughter that he loves very much. Even though they can be together, whether a fling or a more serious relationship, to deal with the daughter and probably assume the role of a mother seems to be beyond her ability and imagination.

You like him because he always shines in a crowd of people. Because he’s much older than you. Because he’s aggressive, sharp, and brilliant. He shines like a star in a wild dark field filled with mediocrity. His mind and thoughts are running ahead of our times and they try to shoulder the responsibility of a people. Let’s avoid this cliché; let’s not use such words as globalization, post-colonized age, and Faucult... Because you know a mind like his, no matter what times it is in, will always shine and last.

Is it just the mind I love? No. There must be something more. He is aggressive, a character always considered a necessary virtue for a real man; sharp-tongued and well-humored. He was the youngest professor in the department and he still keeps the record. He’s an achieved and productive scholar. He also has a face with the angels and lines she yearns for. His smile, rare in their limited contacts, remains faintly but long-lasting in her memory. I don’t think he still remembers me, she thinks. I was just one of his thousands of students. I even never signed up for any of his courses, because he’s known to be a harsh grader.

She’s among the many fans of his that he would never bother to notice. Four years in college, many encounters, but never a real conversation. But she can’t help her own unreal fantasy, a dream that both excites and pacifies her spirits when visualizing them being together, walking, talking, hugging... Even fights and make-outs.

But he will never know. It feels good to have a secret of your own. Never revealed to others but just savored over and over again by yourself, in the darkroom of your head, in your reflection over life... Questions like, what if we were together right now?